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Grieve properly

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The text discusses the complexities of grief and the importance of acknowledging and processing emotions associated with loss. It outlines various forms of grief, including the death of loved ones, relationship endings, and life transitions, and clarifies common misconceptions about grief, such as the idea that expressing sadness is a sign of weakness. The author emphasizes the necessity of experiencing grief to gain a deeper understanding of life and oneself, highlighting the healing process, which includes acceptance, letting go, and beginning anew. It also describes the five stages of grief according to Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Support for those grieving is crucial, and the text outlines what to avoid and what to do when comforting someone in grief. Key principles include allowing time for grief, recognizing normal grieving behaviors, and providing ongoing support. The overall message is that navigating grief can lead to personal growth and a stronger connection to others and faith.

What feels wrong? I can't find the right words to describe my mood today;
there's an inexplicable anger that I want to vent, but there's no outlet;
why me? I feel the unfairness of fate. Who will stand up for me?
A sense of powerlessness, facing things I can do nothing about.
~~
In times of confusion, a lesson will help us find answers.

I have organized the main content of the course to remind myself, hoping that those who have not yet realized this situation will face their emotions and confront the life ahead.

What is grief?#

The death of a loved one
Failure
Unemployment
Loss of health (These are relatively easy to identify; when such events occur in life, feelings of grief are common.)

The end of a relationship
The departure of significant others
Loss of a house or property
Failing to meet parental expectations
Children choosing their own paths

Transitions in life (Adolescence, graduation, starting a new job, facing new environments, menopause, retirement, etc. Each change in life stages brings emotional impacts that you may not be aware of and should be well-managed.)

The shattering of dreams
Unrequited love

Loss of confidence, ability, self-identity

“Loss” refers to the loss itself;
“Grief” refers to the intense pain caused by significant loss;
“Bereavement” refers to the grief caused by death.

Some misconceptions about grief#

  1. Tears and sorrow are signs of weakness; strong people don’t cry. → In fact, crying is a normal and healthy emotional expression and does not signify weakness.

  2. Grief is an abnormal sign and a mental illness. → In the face of sudden or anticipated loss and changes, grief is a normal emotional release for humans and is one of the ways to heal.

  3. The grieving process is predictable. → Emotions like sadness, heartbreak, acceptance, and recovery often recur before they are processed.

  4. End grief as quickly as possible. → Everyone’s grieving process is different; some take months, others years, and that’s perfectly fine.

  5. No one can help me in my grief. → Finding a safe space to face your emotions helps us express our feelings.

  6. Grief will automatically heal with time. → Time alone does not heal; what truly helps is understanding, companionship, and expressing emotions.

  7. People with strong faith won’t be too sad. → Even with faith in God, loss can still bring pain. Grief does not indicate a lack of faith.
    (Excerpt from Ye Meizhu's "Accompanying You Through the Path of Grief")

Why should we grieve properly?#

Going through grief allows us to have a deeper understanding of life and makes us more mature.
Going through grief helps us recognize our weaknesses and strengths, enjoy the support and love of others, and experience God's reality and faithfulness more profoundly.
Suffering guides us to rely more closely on God.
When we go through grief, we gain a new strength to love and help others better.

The five stages of grief - Kübler-Ross (Grief Cycle)#

Denial (denial) Anger (anger) Bargaining (bargaining) Depression (depression) Acceptance (acceptance)

Healing process (Fr. Joseph Joyce)#

  1. Acceptance (Letting be) Allow the pain from loss to be expressed as much as possible.
  2. Letting go (Letting go) It’s not about forgetting but commemorating in another form.
  3. Letting begin (Letting begin) When you are ready, at the right time, “begin” a new life and happiness.

These stages do not follow a strict order and often recur randomly;
they require time, trust, patience, and the ability to express oneself to drive the entire process.
During this period, feelings of sadness and loss will periodically emerge, each time needing to be accepted and deeply felt until they fade. This cycle will gradually reduce the frequency and intensity of grief, ultimately leading to peace of mind.

Accompanying grief#

What not to do#

Dominate the conversation process and content, telling the griever what they should do.

Share your own and others' experiences.

Say clichéd comforting phrases like “Time heals all wounds; everything will get better soon,” “Keep pushing through,” “Suffering is a blessing in disguise,” “I understand how you feel,” etc.
Try to rush the person through their grief, such as encouraging them to participate in social activities or giving away their belongings.

What to do#

Express your concern. “I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been this week? How are you feeling?”
Focus on the griever as a person.

Listen 80% of the time and speak 20% of the time. Let the griever share their experiences and needs. Empathize with them, saying, “It’s not easy; there will be difficult moments,” “I can’t imagine your pain.” Or share a bit of your own experience appropriately. Learn to share moments of silence without feeling awkward; sometimes, being at a loss for words may be the best form of empathy.

Patiently listen to the griever’s story, allowing them to share every detail.

Grief care#

Principle 1: Allow time to grieve;
Principle 2: Clarify “normal” grieving behaviors;
Principle 3: Allow for individual differences;
Principle 4: Encourage them to tell their stories (journaling, drawing);
Principle 5: Provide ongoing support - assist at every key moment within a year after the loss;
Principle 6: Encourage participation in grief support groups or group therapy;
Principle 7: Check for defensive and unhealthy patterns: such as alcohol, addiction, withdrawal, avoidance, etc.;
Principle 8: Identify pathological behaviors and refer as needed.

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